"Stupid" Sayings - Story-Lovers SOS Story Lists

Two rungs short of a ladder.
Three french fries short of a happy meal.
If brains were gasoline, he (she) wouldn't have enough to run a piss-ant's motor-scooter halfway around a Cheerio!'
One brick shy of a load.
A little loose in the loafers.
If you took the brains of both of 'em and put 'em in one jay bird, if it could fly at all, it'd fly backards."
One pepperoni short of a personal pan.
Couldn't count water in a bucket. (from the Pogo comic strip by Walt Kelly)
Couldn't find Memphis with a compass. (from the Pogo comic strip by Walt Kelly)
Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
A few clowns short of a circus.
A few fries short of a Happy Meal.
An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.
A few beers short of a six-pack.
Dumber than a box of hair.
A few peas short of a casserole.
Doesn't have all his cornflakes in one box.
A couple sandwiches short of a picnic.
The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.
One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl.
One taco short of a combination plate.
A few feathers short of a whole duck.
The porch light's on, but nobody's home.
All foam, no beer.
The cheese slid off his cracker.
Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel.
Has an IQ of 2, but it takes 3 to grunt.
Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
He fell out of the Stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.
An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.
As smart as bait.
Chimney's clogged.
Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.
Doesn't know much but leads the league in nostril hair.
Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.
Forgot to pay his brain bill.
Her sewing machine's out of thread.
His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.
His belt doesn't go through all the loops.
If he had another brain, it would be lonely.
Missing a few buttons on his remote control.
No grain in the silo.
Receiver is off the hook.
Several nuts short of a full pouch.
Skylight leaks a little.
Slinky's kinked.
Surfing in Nebraska.
Too much yardage between the goal posts.
Hmmm... Californian.
He was fullgrown in body only.
Somebody done stole his rudder.
He was plumb weak north of his ears.
Kind of off his mental reservation.
So narrow-minded he could look through a keyhole with both eyes at the same time.
His intelligence shore ain't in camp.
He couldn't sell hack-saw blades in a hoosegow.
He's now studyin' to be a half-wit.
So nutty he couldn't see through a ladder.
He's as shy of brains as a terrapin is of feathers.
His brains don't weigh an ounce of ideas to the ton.
He couldn't drive a nail into a snowbank.
His brain capacity wouldn't make a drinkin' cup fer a hummin' bird.
He ain't got sense enough to spit downwind.
His head is so hollow he has to talk with his hands to keep away from the echo.
Got nuthin' under his hat but hair.
Couldn't find a football in a washtub.
He'ld walk into a river so's he could drink standin' up.
His brain's so small it would roll around in an ants head like a BB in a boxcar.
She's not the brightest crayon in the box.
Both oars aren't in the water.
One quarter short of a dollar.
One brick short of a full load.
His elevator doesn't go to the top floor.
She is a cup and saucer short of a place setting.
She is listening but there are SO MANY words.
BLONDE
Some candies missing from the jar. (from Argentina)
Running short of players on the team. (from Argentina)
Why are there so many blond jokes? To give brunettes something to do on Saturday night.
Dumber than a box of hair.
He's so dumb he couldn’t pour water out of a boot if the instructions were printed on the heel.
His bread aint done.
She ain't got the brains god gave turnips.
He don’t know c'mere from Siccum!
If he was any dumber youd have to water him.
She was soooo blonde
..she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
..she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
..she thought a quarterback was a refund.
..she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order
..she thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.

She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde:
..she thought Eartha Kitt was a set of garden tools.
..she thought General Motors was in the army.
..she thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
..she thought TuPac Shakur was a Jewish holiday.
..under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics."

She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde:
..she tripped over a cordless phone.
..she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said "concentrate."
..she told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "ONE WAY."
..at the bottom of the application where it says "sign here," she put "Sagittarius."
..she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.

She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde:
..she studied for a blood test.
..she thought she needed a token to get on "Soul Train."
..she sold the car for gas money!
..when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.
..when she went to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left," she turned around and went home.

She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde:
..when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
..she thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company.
..if she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.
..she thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening.

My Favorite:
..she had a shirt that said "TGIF," which she thought stood for "This Goes In Front."

She's not the brightest crayon in the box.
Both oars aren't in the water.
One quarter short of a dollar.
One brick short of a full load.
His elevator doesn't go to the top floor.
He's a few cards short of a full deck.
He's a slice shy of a sandwich.
2 sandwiches short of a picnic
Not the brightest bulb in the circuit.
Dumb as a box of rock.
Has the I.Q. of a dead plant.

There is a Canonical List at
http://www.netfunny.com/rhf/jokes/88q3/13889.html
including...
The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
Skating on the wrong side of the ice.
Sharp as a bowling ball.
He left the store without all of his groceries.

From
You're a few bricks short of a load.
You've lost your marbles.
The lights are on but nobody's home.
A few clowns short of a circus.
A few fries short of a Happy Meal.
An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.
A few beers short of a six-pack.
Dumber than a box of hair.
A few peas short of a casserole.
Don't have all your cornflakes in one box.
The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.
One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl.
One taco short of a combination plate.
The cheese slid off your cracker.
Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel.
Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
You fell out of the Stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.
An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.
As smart as bait.
Your chimney's clogged.
Y ou're two biscuits short of a picnic.
Your elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.
You forgot to pay your brain bill.
Your sewing machine's out of thread.
Your antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.
Your belt doesn't go through all the loops.
If you had another brain, it would be lonely.
You're missing a few buttons on your remote control.
No grain in the silo.
Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.
Receiver is off the hook.
Several nuts short of a full pouch.
Skylight leaks a little.
Surfing in Nebraska.
Too much yardage between the goal posts.
Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
24 cents short of a quarter.
A few feathers short of a whole duck.
All foam, no beer...

From http://www.bbc.co.uk/dna/h2g2/A711190 :
Knitting with only one needle
A kangaroo loose in the top paddock
One wave short of a shipwreck
One scout short of a posse
An olive short of a pizza
A sausage short of a barbecue
Four quarters short of a dollar
Ten pence short of a pound
Five cans short of a six-pack
A tinny short of a six-pack (Australian version)

From http://seniors-site.com/funstuff/dumblist.html
A box of Cracker Jack with no prize.
Has an IQ of 2, but it takes 3 to grunt.
Counts to 10 using both hands and feet.
Sharp as a butter knife.
Thinks the test pattern is a new cable network situation comedy.
They trip over their cordless phone.
They think the extra fork at dinner is in case they drop the other one.
They jump out of a plane and ask for directions.
They return their bag of M&Ms because it was full of W's.
You catch them starring at an orange juice container because it reads concentrate.
They ask lightbulbs for ideas.
Couldn't find his ass with both hands and a map.
Took the Pepsi Challenge & chose Jif.
Needs to look up the number to 911.
Can't eat pickles 'cause their head won't fit in the jar.
Tried snorting Coke & got the bottle stuck in their nose.
Saw a sign that said "Disneyland left", so they turned around & went home.
They are like a bottle of beer - empty from the neck up.
Thinks a box of Cheerios is "donut seeds".
Thinks "nuclear fission" needs special bait.
Thinks an innuendo is an Italian suppository.
Everyone is kneaded out of the same dough but not baked in the same oven. -- Yiddish proverb

Here's one more, from a very large list at
http://www.euphoria.force9.co.uk/realhumour/html/jokes/euph.html
If he was wearing clue musk, doing the clue mating dance, in a field full of horny clues, he still wouldn't get a clue.

My Uncle Den's favourite was: He was in the pub when God was handing out the brains.

My Dad's favorite was: My kids have all their bricks, it's just that the mortar's cracked.

His train of thought is still boarding at the station.
What's black and blue and in a ditch? A brunette who told too many blonde jokes.
Oops, he musta left his sign at home.
Pausing for station identification.

Why are blond jokes so short? So brunettes and redheads can remember them.

I tried to have a battle of wits with her, then realized she was unarmed.
One X short of a Y.
One book short of a library.
One Smartie short of a tube.
One card short of a pack.
Tapped with a ?faggot spoon.

He couldn't organise a paper-bag.
•••••

I've enjoyed your web page of stupid sayings. I was collecting some myself for a while. Here they are... of course most are duplicates, but I think there are some new ones for you.
1. Not playing with a full deck.
2. Not the brightest crayon in the box.
3. His elevator doesn't go all the way to the top.
4. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
5. Has a few kangaroos loose in the top paddock. (Australia)
6. She doesn't have all her buttons.
7. Not the brightest star in the sky.
8. Not the sharpest tool in the shed.
9. A sandwich short of a picnic.
10. A sausage short of a barbie. (Australia)
11. She hasn't invented hot water. (France)
12. He has bats in the belfry.
13. The lights are on, but nobody's home.
14. He's got a spider on the ceiling. (Il a une araignée au plafond)
15. She's low voltage
16. He's a few bricks shy of a load
17. If brains were dynamite, he wouldn't have enough to blow his nose.
18. Sharp as a bowling ball.
19. He's missing a screw in the brain (Greece
20. She's not all there.
22. Half a bubble off. (think construction)
24. Doesn't have both oars in the water.
25. A few tiles short of a roof.
26. A few twigs short of a bonfire.
27. She's knitting with one needle.
Tom V. 7/3/05
•••••

(NOTE from JB: There may be duplicates below but sometimes just a word or two changes.)

• Query: How many phrases do you know that mean a person is slow on the uptake?
A few sandwiches short of a picnic (or is this just a Texan way of describing people?)
Veronica G. 5/16/10

• The first documented use of that phrase is actually from the UK in 1987, but I'm sure it was pretty common here orally before that. If a phrase is used by a mainstream comic it's usually been circulating for a while amongst the witterati.

I've seen dozens of creative variations in the media, often very specific to a situation being described.

The much, much earlier history of similar phrases is here:
http://www.phrases.org.uk/meanings/one-sandwich-short-of-a-picnic.html
Tim S. England 5/17/10

• A couple of my favorites:
His meringue is slipping.
Half a bubble off plumb.
Megan H. 5/16/10

• Not the lightest bulb on the Christmas tree.
Barbara McBride-Smith has a bunch of those in her Theseus story. They are hilarious!
http://tinyurl.com/25f5kpw
Macsek 5/17/10

• A dime short, a day late and headed the wrong way.
Richard M. Dublin 5/17/10

• Here's a list from a cliche' site:
Couldn't find his way out of a paper bag
Doesn't have both oars in the water
Dumb as a post
Dumb as a stump
Dumber than a bag of hammers
Dumber than a box of rocks
Few bricks shy, A
Few fries short of a happy meal, A
Few sandwiches short of a picnic, A
Half a bubble off, A
His/Her elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor
Just fell off the turnip truck
Lights are on but there's nobody home, The
Not playing with a full deck
Not the brightest bulb (in the box / on the tree / in the chandelier)
Not the brightest crayon in the box
Not the sharpest crayon in the box
Not the sharpest knife in the cabinet
Not the sharpest pencil in the box
One taco short of a combination plate
Sharp as a marble
Thick as a brick
Thick as a ditch, A
Wheel is turning but the hamster is dead, The
Marilyn McP. 5/17/10

• If you put all his brains in one hummin' bird, if it could fly at all, it'd fly back'ards
Overheard in a small town Oklahoma cafe.
Fran S. 5/17/10

• A little loose in the loafers.
One beer shy of a six-pack.
Judy S. 5/17/10

• Some Irish ones:

If it was raining soup, he'd be out there with a fork.

Thick as the back of a ditch. (The back of the ditch is the whole field stretching beyond the ditch.)

Thick as two planks nailed together.

County Wicklow variant (neighbouring County Wexford is a major sports rival):
Thick as two Wexford planks nailed together.

He's as good as a man short. ...
Whoever reared her would drown nothing.
John Pepper, What A Thing to Say, Blackstaff Press, Belfast, 1977

Tipperary manager Babs Keating on his hurling team after losing: They were "dead only to wash them."
Irish Times 12 October 2006

But on the other hand, it can be said of a clever person: "He didn't come down the river on a bicycle."
Richard M. Dublin 5/17/10

• A few crayons short of a full box.
A few bricks shy of a full load.
Not playing with a full deck. (referring to a deck of cards)
A few fries short of a happy meal! (for those outside of the US it refers to the McDonald's fast food chain food)
Karen C. 5/17/10

• For those who don't get out of the US much, McDonald's is everywhere, like it or not. Liking it is easier in Spain, because you can buy beer there.
Richard M. Dublin 5/17/10

• The elevator doesn't quite make it...
To the top floor.

Dumb as/dumber than...
A bucket of hair.
Reet P. 5/17/10

• In the north of England (at least, when I were a lad), there was also
As thick as two short planks.
Richard M. Germany 5/17/10

• One that my father once used (applying it to me after my then current boyfriend stated that I was one brick shy of a load) - "She has all her bricks, it's just that her mortar is cracked!"

One of my favorites, though, is a Garrison Keillor phrase, and I use it quite often - "not playing with a full deck of marbles"
Melanie P. 5/17/10

• "Ma Ku Do No Ru Du" in Japan too.

Stopping in one to use the lav and get a cup of coffee, I noticed an item on the breakfast menu which might appeal here: hashbrown potatoes laced with bacon.
although here, the bacon wouldn't be fish flavored...
Fran S. 5/17/10